My Spare Time

A lot of people ask me what I do in my spare time and what I do when I’m not playing football, which is what I do because I’m a footballer. They say “What do you do in your spare time when you’re not playing football, which is what you do because you’re a footballer?”

I say to them “In my spare time when I’m not playing football I like to do PlayStation”. I tell them that I especially like to do football PlayStation because that’s what I do, because I’m a footballer. I like to be me when I’m doing football PlayStation so that I can play how I play when I’m playing real football in my life.

I also like to go out for nice meals at a boss restaurant near where I live in my house. The best meal that I like to eat in my mouth is steak and chips, which is boss. Gaffer, at work, tells me that I’m not allowed to eat steak and chips because it’s full of chips which are bad for me. He has made an Italian man from abroad come into the club when we’re training and make us eat pasta. I don’t like pasta though, I only like pizza and spaghetti Bolognese.

Roxy doesn’t do cooking when we’re at home and having something to eat at home. She says that she can’t open the plastic wrappers and work the microwave because she’s got long nails and they get in the way. She makes me ring up a man and I tell him that I want a pizza and he brings me pizza to the house and I pay him and then I eat the pizza. Sometimes I ring the phone and ask for a meal from Indian and a man brings me a meal from Indian. I don’t think Indian’s very far away because he brings it very quickly. My favourite meal from Indian is steak and chips. Roxy always has something called a chicken and a karma and a rice and she eats it.

It’s difficult to go out for boss meals when I’m not having a dinner at my house. Lots of people on mopeds follow us about and take photographs of us doing things. They take photos of us getting into cars and getting into cars and driving in cars. Roxy doesn’t like it when the men on mopeds with cameras take photos of us. She sticks two or one fingers up at them and then they are put in the newspapers and call her a wag. She isn’t a wag though because she’s only been with 1 other blokes before me and that was when she was at school. Sometimes she tells the men on mopeds with cameras where she’s going and then she can get dressed up or dolled up or something.

When we get married she says that she’s going to tell the men on mopeds with cameras to come to our wedding and take our photos and pay us some money and then we’ll be in a magazine. She says that she’s going to wear a pink frock and Chantelle and Paris are going to wear smaller pink frocks. I’m going to wear a boss white Boss suit. My best mate Digsy is going to be my best man and say a speech that he’s thought up in his brain and written on paper. The role of the best man is to get off with the bridesmaid and get drunk. I’m getting married in the summer because then gaffer won’t tell me off if I have too many drinks.

Digsy is also a footballer but not at the club where I play football. He plays at another club and he plays midfielder. Being a midfielder means that you play football in the middle of the football pitch. Sometimes you score a lot of goals but most times you just do tackles and get stuck in. A midfielder should give the ball to me because I’m a striker and strikers have to strike the ball and put it in the back of the net and score a goal. Scoring a goal is better than doing sex on Roxy but I won’t tell her because she won’t let me do sex on her again.