England Captain

The new England Italy boss has decided to make Nigel Rio Ferdinand the new England Captain of England Italy and I think it's a dead boss decision. Nigel's a dead boss bad boy wrapper at wrapping stuff. All the kids are wannabe wrappers these days, so he's gonna be a dead boss role modeler for all the kids. That's what you need from an England Captain I think. Past England Captains have been not as a good role modelers. For instance, Bobby Moore was a good player and that, but apparently he tried to rob some jewels from abroad. I understand that they didn't earn as much in them days - about £50 a week and that, but it's no reason to be a great train robberer. How did they live in them days? I couldn't live on £50 a week. You would have had to catch the bus everywhere and not be able to go clubbing and chat up birds and that.

Peter Shilton was also an England Captain and he liked to do gambling all the time. He was only a small man, so they often do that kind of thing because they want to be horse jockeys and that.

Anyway, Nigel Rio Ferdinand's only crime is that he likes chatting up birds and merking them and filming it. Who doesn't love a Romeo? I like Alfa Romeos. Romeo Andjuliet was a good Romeo. He was dead romantic at poetry and that and all he wanted to do was chat up a bird and take her up the balcony. That's what Nigel's trying to do - be a modern day Romeo Andjuliet - good luck to him, that's what I say.

This is my message to Nigel Rio Ferdinand - keep on wrapping, keep on merking the birds and keep on doing your football. Hopefully you'll be the next Bobby Moore and lift the World's Cup, but not be a great train robberer.

Easter Eggs

Sorry I've not blogged on for a bit, but I've just had a boss new wireless router put in and I wasn't sure how to work it. I phone called my old man and he told me that when he was a lad a wireless was a radio. My radio doesn't do the internet because it's a DAB. My dad's a DAB hand at tiling, so I'm not sure why the radio didn't do the internet.

It's Easter at the moment and everyone's going mad about eggs. I'm not a big fan of eggs, but I know they're boss for your boxing skills. Rocky had a lot of eggs once, so he probably likes Easter.

The thing about Easter is that you normally have to do football on a Saturday and a Easter Monday. Easter Monday was too close to Grand Slam Sunday this year, so we didn't have to play on Easter Monday. We had to train and do gaffer excercising though, so I wished I did have my eggs from Easter as it might have given me more energy to do star jumps and that. Rocky would have done good and gaffer would have probably given him the star of training bib to take home.

England are playing against French on Wednesday, so I'm going to watch it on my Plasma. I was a bit disappointed not to get a cap for the game. I got a new cap from JJB Sports anyway, so I'm sure I'll survive. I'm not going to watch the game, though. The Apprentice is on on Wednesdays, so I want to watch that. I'll watch the highlights on Match Of The Day and stick my fingers in my ears and go la la la la la la la la la la when the results come on, so that I can watch Match Of The Day and not know the score. I'm dead nervous about it! I always get like it when Alan Sugars sacks someone.

Bad News

This week the England team have been boss. They beat Russians and Israeli 3-0 each, which means they are on course to qualify for Euro96 2008 in Australia and Swaziland. Gaffer Steve McLaren was under a lot of pressure to pick the right side and he got it boss on. Michael Owen managed to knock a couple of goals in the back of the net and get on the score sheet and I was made up for him. It would be nice to be picked for the side to travel to Russians in the next game and partner Michael Owen and knock a goal in, but I'm not sure my face fits in with the England gaffer. I'll just have to keep knocking them in for my club.

I've had a few days off and me and Roxy managed to spend some quality time together. Spending quality time together is quality and we went away to abroad for a few days to recharge my batteries for my I-Pod, so that I can listen to boss music in the changing room before we get changed.

When we got back from abroad, I was gutted to hear that some politicians want to ban plasma. I think it's disgusting. Plasma, for me, is possibly the best invention ever. It's better than when they invented gravity because Plasma tellies are so heavy that they stay on your living room or bedroom floor anyway, so they don't need gravity. They say that they aren't energy efficient, but that's rubbish because they all come with remote controls, so you don't have to use energy getting up to change the channels. I will refuse to watch LCD tellies if they ban Plasma because LCD isn't very good picture quality. Hopefully, I'll still be on Plasma tomorrow night on Match Of The Day when I knock a brace into the back of the net!

A Weekend Off

This weekend, there is no Premier League for me to play in. There is division 1 and division 2 to play in, but I play Premier League. The division 1 and division 2 boys don't have the quality to play Premier League, but I take my Nike cap off to them because they still love their football and get stuck in. Once, when I was a younger person than I am now, I was offered a loan deal at a division 1 or division 2 team, but I decided not to as I prefer to play Premier League. The Premier League is the bossest league in England and I didn't want to play less boss.

Because there's no Premier League it means that there's a weekend off for players who haven't been picked for England. I haven't been picked for England so I have a weekend off. I like weekend's off because it means that I don't have to do football - not even training. Some of the lads are having a golfing weekend. I'm not going because I haven't got any golf bats and Roxy says that I don't like golf. She says that it's for people who have too much time on their hands. I'll probably just stay at home and play Playstation this weekend instead. I might have to drive her to the shopping centre on Saturday so that she can get some new clothes because the new Winter collection is out now and it's important to her that she gets them early so that she can wear them before everyone else.

I hope that England can bit Israeli tomorrow because it means that they are one step closer to Europe next year. I might get picked for that next year, but if I don't then at least I can Sky+ it and watch it after Roxy's watched Hollyoaks.

A New Signing

My agent Greg is the bossest bloke I know. He's dead honest, dead genuine and dead out for me and my best interests. This week he managed to get me a lucrative sponsorship with a boss sportswear company. I'm not allowed to say which one it is yet, but I'll give you a few clues.

Firstly it's a footwear company. Secondly it's a company that makes boss football boots and thirdly I'll be wearing a pair of boss Nike boots on my feet every time I play football. Like I said before, I can't say who it is until the contract is fully signed, so I'll leave it at that for the time being.

Every time I knock one in the back of the net this company will give me some money to reward me. Greg says that these boots will make me score more goals because of the nano technology that's in them. I'm not entirely sure what type of nano technology is in them, but it's the best type of nano that you can get. I love technology because it means that some dead boss clever scientists have done some experiments in a science place and come up with something dead boss clever. My favourite type of technology is Plasma technology, because it's what my telly has in it to make everything look Plasmad.

Gaffer was pleased in training and at the match this week because he was able to make a last minute signing in the transfer window. The transfer window is closed now, but it gets open again after it's been Christmas time. He was also double pleased because we managed to win our game on Saturday. I was made up too because I managed to set up the winner. We won the game 3-0.

Our last minute signing was made right at the last minute and he's a goalkeeper. Goalkeepers are a dead hard position to fill because most of the ones that I knew at school were the fat kids with a pair of glasses. Our new signing isn't fat or a glasses wearer, so I think he's going to be a boss signing. His name is Jimmy Spender and a lot of people think he's going to be the next big goalkeeper thing and take over between the sticks for England. It's hard to understand him because he has a Geordie Newcastle accent, so I'm not sure what he's saying all the time. Geordie Newcastle is near Scotland and I have real trouble understanding the Scotland lads that we have at the club already.

On The Score Sheet

This week was boss for me. Not only did I appear on Youtube plasma telly, but I also managed to get on the end of a cross and knock a goal in the back of the net and score a goal in the Carling Cup. We didn't play a boss Premier League team, but it was still good to score one any way. For a striker it's all about confidence and I haven't been feeling dead, dead confident lately. It isn't my fault, it's just that gaffer needs to keep sticking me in the team to build my confidence. My agent, Greg, said that if I was offered more money in a new contract, then this would also make me play better.

I just like to concentrate on my football and let Greg sort that sort of thing out. I don't care if I earn £20,000 a week or £120,000 a week, it's all the same to me. Roxy likes to think that I'm earning good money to look after her and the girls. I'm not that good at money counting and that, so I let her look after that side of things. It's amazing how much stuff costs these days. Haircuts and nails have gone up loads since last year. Whenever Roxy goes to get her hair and nails done every day, she always comes back looking classy, so I don't mind paying that bit extra for her.

It's bad news that Becks is out of the England qualifiers for Euro96 2008, but it's the business news for me. It means that there's a spare spot in the squad for someone. Hopefully, Greg can get me the spot so that I can prove to everyone that I can cut it at international level and maybe shoot us to qualify for Australia and Swaziland next year. I'll try and show them even further by knocking one in at the far post tomorrow, or the near post. I don't mind really, just as long as I knock one in.

In Clear Plasma

As I told you last week, I was fortunate enough to be followed around by a Plasma telly crew as they filmed my life, in what is a new series, called DPTV Cribs.

It was an honour to be filmed in Plasma, as it has always been my dream to be on Plasma in my own living room. It is now up and running and you can watch it here

I hope that you enjoy finding out what it's like to be a footballer and that it may inspire you too.