Bad News

This week the England team have been boss. They beat Russians and Israeli 3-0 each, which means they are on course to qualify for Euro96 2008 in Australia and Swaziland. Gaffer Steve McLaren was under a lot of pressure to pick the right side and he got it boss on. Michael Owen managed to knock a couple of goals in the back of the net and get on the score sheet and I was made up for him. It would be nice to be picked for the side to travel to Russians in the next game and partner Michael Owen and knock a goal in, but I'm not sure my face fits in with the England gaffer. I'll just have to keep knocking them in for my club.

I've had a few days off and me and Roxy managed to spend some quality time together. Spending quality time together is quality and we went away to abroad for a few days to recharge my batteries for my I-Pod, so that I can listen to boss music in the changing room before we get changed.

When we got back from abroad, I was gutted to hear that some politicians want to ban plasma. I think it's disgusting. Plasma, for me, is possibly the best invention ever. It's better than when they invented gravity because Plasma tellies are so heavy that they stay on your living room or bedroom floor anyway, so they don't need gravity. They say that they aren't energy efficient, but that's rubbish because they all come with remote controls, so you don't have to use energy getting up to change the channels. I will refuse to watch LCD tellies if they ban Plasma because LCD isn't very good picture quality. Hopefully, I'll still be on Plasma tomorrow night on Match Of The Day when I knock a brace into the back of the net!

A Weekend Off

This weekend, there is no Premier League for me to play in. There is division 1 and division 2 to play in, but I play Premier League. The division 1 and division 2 boys don't have the quality to play Premier League, but I take my Nike cap off to them because they still love their football and get stuck in. Once, when I was a younger person than I am now, I was offered a loan deal at a division 1 or division 2 team, but I decided not to as I prefer to play Premier League. The Premier League is the bossest league in England and I didn't want to play less boss.

Because there's no Premier League it means that there's a weekend off for players who haven't been picked for England. I haven't been picked for England so I have a weekend off. I like weekend's off because it means that I don't have to do football - not even training. Some of the lads are having a golfing weekend. I'm not going because I haven't got any golf bats and Roxy says that I don't like golf. She says that it's for people who have too much time on their hands. I'll probably just stay at home and play Playstation this weekend instead. I might have to drive her to the shopping centre on Saturday so that she can get some new clothes because the new Winter collection is out now and it's important to her that she gets them early so that she can wear them before everyone else.

I hope that England can bit Israeli tomorrow because it means that they are one step closer to Europe next year. I might get picked for that next year, but if I don't then at least I can Sky+ it and watch it after Roxy's watched Hollyoaks.

A New Signing

My agent Greg is the bossest bloke I know. He's dead honest, dead genuine and dead out for me and my best interests. This week he managed to get me a lucrative sponsorship with a boss sportswear company. I'm not allowed to say which one it is yet, but I'll give you a few clues.

Firstly it's a footwear company. Secondly it's a company that makes boss football boots and thirdly I'll be wearing a pair of boss Nike boots on my feet every time I play football. Like I said before, I can't say who it is until the contract is fully signed, so I'll leave it at that for the time being.

Every time I knock one in the back of the net this company will give me some money to reward me. Greg says that these boots will make me score more goals because of the nano technology that's in them. I'm not entirely sure what type of nano technology is in them, but it's the best type of nano that you can get. I love technology because it means that some dead boss clever scientists have done some experiments in a science place and come up with something dead boss clever. My favourite type of technology is Plasma technology, because it's what my telly has in it to make everything look Plasmad.

Gaffer was pleased in training and at the match this week because he was able to make a last minute signing in the transfer window. The transfer window is closed now, but it gets open again after it's been Christmas time. He was also double pleased because we managed to win our game on Saturday. I was made up too because I managed to set up the winner. We won the game 3-0.

Our last minute signing was made right at the last minute and he's a goalkeeper. Goalkeepers are a dead hard position to fill because most of the ones that I knew at school were the fat kids with a pair of glasses. Our new signing isn't fat or a glasses wearer, so I think he's going to be a boss signing. His name is Jimmy Spender and a lot of people think he's going to be the next big goalkeeper thing and take over between the sticks for England. It's hard to understand him because he has a Geordie Newcastle accent, so I'm not sure what he's saying all the time. Geordie Newcastle is near Scotland and I have real trouble understanding the Scotland lads that we have at the club already.

On The Score Sheet

This week was boss for me. Not only did I appear on Youtube plasma telly, but I also managed to get on the end of a cross and knock a goal in the back of the net and score a goal in the Carling Cup. We didn't play a boss Premier League team, but it was still good to score one any way. For a striker it's all about confidence and I haven't been feeling dead, dead confident lately. It isn't my fault, it's just that gaffer needs to keep sticking me in the team to build my confidence. My agent, Greg, said that if I was offered more money in a new contract, then this would also make me play better.

I just like to concentrate on my football and let Greg sort that sort of thing out. I don't care if I earn £20,000 a week or £120,000 a week, it's all the same to me. Roxy likes to think that I'm earning good money to look after her and the girls. I'm not that good at money counting and that, so I let her look after that side of things. It's amazing how much stuff costs these days. Haircuts and nails have gone up loads since last year. Whenever Roxy goes to get her hair and nails done every day, she always comes back looking classy, so I don't mind paying that bit extra for her.

It's bad news that Becks is out of the England qualifiers for Euro96 2008, but it's the business news for me. It means that there's a spare spot in the squad for someone. Hopefully, Greg can get me the spot so that I can prove to everyone that I can cut it at international level and maybe shoot us to qualify for Australia and Swaziland next year. I'll try and show them even further by knocking one in at the far post tomorrow, or the near post. I don't mind really, just as long as I knock one in.

In Clear Plasma

As I told you last week, I was fortunate enough to be followed around by a Plasma telly crew as they filmed my life, in what is a new series, called DPTV Cribs.

It was an honour to be filmed in Plasma, as it has always been my dream to be on Plasma in my own living room. It is now up and running and you can watch it here

I hope that you enjoy finding out what it's like to be a footballer and that it may inspire you too.

On The Pull

On Saturday I managed to unpull my hamstring after I had pulled it during training on Thursday. I don't like pulling my hamstring because it means that it hurts you.

Because I had managed to unpull my hamstring, gaffer said that I was fit to start on the bench, which means substitute again. It is frustrating being a substitute because you don't get to play a full game. I just spent the time on the bench trying to get comfy and keep warm. I managed to keep warm by putting on a hat to cover my head, by wearing an all-in-one tracksuit (a onesy) and by putting gloves on. It also helped to keep me warm by being sunny and 28 degrees.

My onesy is boss because it zips right up the middle and down your legs so that you don't have to put two items of clothing on, which means I have more time to warm the bench. I like to do training and a warm ups when I'm a substitute. I do star jumps, squats, lunges and running very fast on the spot. I try and spot Roxy in the stand or some of my mates from back home. Sometimes Roxy doesn't come to the games because she's got a lot on, or we're playing in the north somewhere that doesn't have any boutiques and that.

We're doing good in the league and we're on spot for a place in Europe for next season. We've also got a Carling cup game against a small team from somewhere in the middle of the country. Gaffer says that all smaller teams are full of cloggers who are only out to ruin top flight players who play football in the top flight. He says that I'm starting from the beginning on Wednesday against the small team from somewhere in the middle of the country.

Media Star

Today in training I couldn't do training because coach said that I had a pulled hamstring. It was hard to watch the lads doing training because I like to get out there and throw myself into tackles and get stuck in. Instead I just looked at my new watch that I'd bought. It's a Breitling watch and it tells the time dead well, better than my old Casio, although I did like that one because it had 32 melodies and it told me what time it is in Sydney. It was dead clever because in Sydney it's tomorrow already and my watch still knew what time it was even though it's not today anymore over there.

I did an interview for a music channel when I wasn't training and they filmed me in Plasma and it's going to be shown on my boss Plasma telly when they've finished with it - you know, doing filming and that. I had to show them round my dead boss house and show them that I'm still in touch with my roots and still live a normal life. I love my still normal life because I still do the same things that I've always done. I still visit my friends who still live in my old street and I take them things to give them like my old tracksuits and football boots and my Nintendo 64 that I don't use anymore. I don't use my Nintendo 64 anymore because it's broken and doesn't work on Plasma. My old street doesn't have Plasma yet.

In my film that I did today I had a few mishaps and stuff, but I just concentrated and didn't do the mishaps anymore.

Hopefully by tomorrow and match day, my hamstring will be unpulled and I can get a full 90 minutes in and help the lads bag 3 points.

Warming The Bench

This weekend, instead of playing my football and just concentrating on my football, gaffer asked me to warm the bench. For any non footballer fans reading this, it means that you are going to come on in the second half and inject some fresh legs into the game instead of starting in the first half and getting straight into the game.

Because I hadn't scored yet, gaffer wanted to have a look at someone else in my position to see if they could offer him an alternative. I am an 'out and out' striker, which means that I'm a striker who gets out and out around the six yard box. Gaffer brought a new player into the team who is more of a 2nd striker and spearheads the attack. He did well and managed to knock a goal into the back of the net. I was made up for him that he'd done it, but wished it had been me, as knocking goals into the back of the net to put us a goal up is one of the things that I like doing the most. I came on in the 2nd half and injected some fresh legs into the game and managed not to score, but we still won the game by a couple of goals. This meant that I got a boss win bonus, but not my goalscoring bonus, because I didn't score a goal and this is the only time I'll get my goalscoring bonus.

This week in football, it has been fantastic for defenders in English football, because the England squad has been announced, for a friendly game against Germany. Because Jamie Carragher has decided that he doesn't like playing England friendlies, lots of defenders have the chance to get stuck in and do last ditch challenges. Unfortunately, others have also decided that they don't like doing friendlies so Steve McClaren will have to draft in some makeshift defenders to plug the gaps to do last ditch tackles and get stuck in.

I wasn't called into the England squad this time and I didn't get in the U21s either. It's probably because I don't do defender when I play my football and concentrate on my football and also because I'm over 21s.

We don't have a game until next weekend, so I'll be doing lots of training this week and getting recovered and getting my head down to force myself into the starting line up. I'll also be spending time with Roxy and the girls.

A Midweek Affair

This week there have been lots of stories in the news about footballers and the things that footballers do in their lives. I am a footballer, but the news hasn't reported what I have been doing this week. I like to stay out of the news because when I'm in the news I have to read about myself, which is a waste of time because I know all about myself anyway.

This week Wayne Rooney has been injured with a broken bone injury in his foot. He is like me in many ways in the fact that we are both from my home in Liverpool, although he doesn't live in my home, because that's where I live. He is also a striker who likes to get on the end of crosses and stick the ball in the back of the net and score a goal in the back of the net. This is the bossest thing ever because it means that you've scored a goal. When you score a goal in the back of the net it usually means that you get the winner. Sometimes it means that you get an equalizer and sometimes it means that you pull one back or get a consolation. I don't like getting consolation goals in the back of the net because you don't get a win bonus from gaffer.

I have broken a bone before. It was really painful and I felt terrible and worried and had my head in my hands. It was good to ride in an ambulance though, because I like ambulances. They are like transit vans that can go really fast and go through traffic lights when they aren't on green light or orange. When we got to the hospital the doctor asked me what had happened and I told him that I thought I had broken a bone and he said which one and I said my brother's leg bone. My dad wasn't very happy with me, but he just said that it showed that I like to do tackles and get stuck in and show committment to the cause and that.

Wayne Rooney got his broken bone in his foot injury because people said he wasn’t wearing the proper boots for doing and playing his football. This is dangerous and kids must be told that they should wear proper footballing boots at all times, apart from when they're not doing their football because it might ruin their mum and dad's carpet or scuff the floor at school. Wayne Rooney has this problem a lot because it has happened to him two times before. The second time it happened he made a full recovery because a Portugal player tried to sit in his foot to break it again, but he hurt himself instead.

This week we have had a midweek game, which is when you play your football not on a Saturday afternoon, sometime on Sunday or a Monday evening. You play it midweek under floodlights. We managed to not win the game, but we didn’t lose either so we had a draw. I didn’t manage to get on the scoresheet and knock one in, but nobody else did either, so that’s good for me. Hopefully I’ll get on the score sheet this weekend and get off of the mark.

The Opening Weekend

It was great at the weekend to play a proper game of football. Football is my life and everything I do revolves around putting on my kit and then putting on my boots. I love putting on my kit because it means that I’m about to play football, which is what I love. At training, we have to put on a training kit and a brightly coloured bib, so that the people on my team know that they’re allowed to pass the ball to me without getting a fine from gaffer.

The disappointing thing about the game at the weekend was that I didn’t manage to get on the score sheet and score a goal in the back of the net. I had a couple of chances but they were well organised at the back and tried to stifle the attack. They managed to stifle me and I’m in attack. Gaffer wasn’t too concerned that I didn’t knock one into the back of the net because it’s a long season and we won anyway and got ourselves the three points we needed.

Getting three points on the board straight up early doors is boss, because it means that you have three more points than you had at the start of the day and pushes us towards that all important UEFA Cup position. The UEFA Cup is top because it means that you can play the cream of abroad and go to some really glamorous places like Juventus, Hadjuk or Atletico.

Roxy loves it when we play a team from abroad, abroad in their own back yard, because it means she can go and shop until she drops with her bessy mate Tania. She always brings me back a souvenir like a key ring or a pencil with the name of the place on it. When it’s got its name on it, it means that it belongs to that place, like if I had a pencil with ‘David’ on it. If you buy the pencil with the name on it, it’s not stealing, so you can keep it yourself. I haven’t got a pencil with my name on it, but I have got a pencil. It says HB on it, but I’m not sure if it’s from HB.

We play another big game this week and it’s a must win game. There aren’t any easy games in the Premier League, apart from Watford last season. I hope I manage to get on the score sheet and knock one in the back of the net, because my agent, Greg, has got me a boss bonus deal for ever one I stick in the back of the net and get on the score sheet.

The New Season

Today in training gaffer came up to us and told me that I'm in the starting eleven for the big match tomorrow. I'm absolutely made up at this boss announcement, because it means I can concentrate on my football and let my football talking on the pitch.

Because I'm striker, it also means that I'll have the chance to bag a goal by sticking the ball in the back of the net and get us three points on the board.

I've been training hard all week and I said to gaffer the other day that I'd like to be in the starting line up come Saturday. I told him that this season I want to play in the middle, so I can do my best scoring because this is the position that suits me the best. He told me that this is where I would be playing because I'm a striker. It worked out good all round for me and for gaffer.

This week I've also sat down with my agent, Greg, and we've talked about how we want to talk about a new contract with my club. Talking about a new contract with my club is like when you buy yourself a new telly. You first of all have to think you'd like a new telly and then you have to talk about getting a new telly. Once you've decided which type of telly you want to get, you have to talk about it with the man at the telly shop and he tells you what kind you can get. This is like my new contract, only I'll be paid in money and not in a new telly. I can buy a new telly with the money from my new contract though.

Greg, my agent, is a really sound bloke. He only ever looks after my interests at heart. He also looks after my best mate Digsy and his team-mates: Woody, Thommo, Dubbers, Shanks, JH, Banjo, Ando, Degs and Bomber. He's also Roxy's agent too. He's trying to get her a job presenting things on my new telly.

I can't wait for the season to start. Getting changed in the dressing room gets me buzzing and it's great having some boss banter with the lads. It's boss. Hopefully we can get three points racked up by tomorrow and be pushing for a UEFA cup place come 5 o'clock.

On Tour With The Boys

During our tour of abroad, which is when we play our football not at our own ground, but not like an away match which is not abroad, apart from if we get into Europe, it gave me a chance to go on an aeroplane again.

I love flying, me. It's boss to be able to watch the telly and have something to eat whilst watching telly without it being on your knee. They give you these dead boss trays that are attached to the seat in front of you, apart from if there's no seat in front of you. I don't know where their trays are.

The food's great because you don't have to ask anyone to bring it for you; they just bring it to you and then they take it away if you aren't eating it any more because you've finished your dinner. Sometimes it's not your dinner. Sometimes it's breakfast or lunch or tea.

Some people are scared of flying, but I'm not. I think it's the business, especially if it's a long flight. When it's a long flight you take off in the day, have a night-time and then you land and it's still the day at home. The girls who work on aeroplanes are also top looking, dead classy and really, really friendly. I think that I would like to marry one if I wasn't going to marry Roxy, which I am because I asked her to marry me and she said yes, she would marry me. I got to abroad, dialled +44 and knocked the first 0 from our number and rang her. I don't know why they make you do that in abroad, because it's more numbers to remember, as well as the conversation that I want to have too.

Anyway, Roxy's made up that we're getting married and I am too. I don't know where or when we're going to get married, I'll let Roxy sort that one out. I'm just going to keep concentrating on my football and stick the ball in the back of the net and let my football do the talking.

On Tour With The Team

Today at work, gaffer came into the changing room after we'd done training and done changing and told me and the lads from my team that we should have packed already and that we had to get on the team bus because we were going on tour. He had told us last week that next week we were going on tour. It was now this week so I had packed my bags ready to go on tour this week.

I like to go on tour because gaffer always picks teams from different places for us to play football. I don't like going on tour sometimes because it means that I have to sleep in a room that isn't mine. That means that I can't watch my 80 inch plasma telly that I've got in my room next to my pinball machine, my pool table and my 70 inch LCD telly. I like watching plasma telly because all the things are shown in plasma. Plasma is boss because everything on plasma is loads bigger than LCD. In the hotel rooms, they still have telly but it's not plasma telly. It's usually Ferguson or Tatung.

When we go on tour it means that Roxy and the girls aren't there. Roxy is dead good in the morning because she goes downstairs, puts the kettle on and asks the cleaner to make me a mug of orange juice.

This year we are going to abroad on tour to play a team that isn't easy to say. They speak a different abroad language there called 'The Lingo'. A couple of the lads said that they can speak 'The Lingo', but I can't. Sometimes different languages are easy to do. You just have to speak them slower than your at home language, as well as a bit louder.

Normally the teams that we play are rubbisher than we are and we stick more balls in the back of the net than I can count on one hands. I like to weigh in with a couple too, so that gaffer's made up with me.

Hopefully they'll have computers in the part of the abroad that we're going to so that I can tell you how I'm getting on with 'The Lingo'. I'll ring Roxy from my dead boss mobile phone and speak to my girls and read them a story with my free minutes. I love free minutes because it's time that doesn't happen in the world. When you get your bill it just says 'free time' and I think in my brain that I should do another thing at the same time as I'm talking to one of my mates or Roxy or the girls, so that I make the most of it. Most of the time I'm just watching my plasma telly.

See you when I get back.

Football on the Telly

Because the football season, which is when I play my football, isn't on at the moment, I've been watching football from countries where it is football season, which is when they play their football. A place that it is their football season, and they're playing their football, is American.

It's boss over there because it's always sunny and the sun shines and that. The other day I watched David Beckham and his France team, La Galaxy, playing their football and get stuck in and that.

David Beckham's like this dead, dead famous footballer who plays his football and gets stuck in and does some boss crosses and gets on the end of it and uses the space. I'd like him to get some balls into the danger zone for me and then I could strike the ball and stick it in the back of the net and maybe get a hat-trick and that. I love getting hat-tricks because it means I can keep the ball and use it in my back garden and play football when it's not the football season.

He's being paid loads of money for playing for his France team and he's getting loads of dollars. Dollars is like English money, only you can use it to buy things in American, like trainers, game boys, a big plasma telly and trainers. I love trainers me. When I'm not playing football and wearing football boots and sticking it in the back of the net I always where trainers, apart from when I wear me suits and Roxy tells me I look a div with them on and makes me where shoes. I don't like wearing shoes because I'm not very good at kick ups with them on.

David Beckham's team lost one-nil, which means the other team stuck the ball in the back of the net and they didn't. The other team was Chelsea and they used to be champions of Premier League, until they got beat. Their manager was well not happy and said that he wasn't happy and that.

This season gaffer said that we should be challenging up for it or he'd bring in some new signings and some new players. That's why we do training, so that we can be up for it and qualify for Europe and play loads of abroad teams.

I hope training ends soon because I don't like running up hills.

How I Met Roxy

Being a famous footballer and playing football means that sometimes when I go out you get lots of women all the time that like you because you’re a famous footballer.

I met Roxy like this, but she told me that she doesn’t like me because I’m a famous footballer. She says that she loves being married to a rich footballer but she hasn’t changed as a person since she was a beautician. She used to work as a beautician in a beauticians near to where I live at my house. She used to like doing people’s nails and doing waxing them in their bikinis. Now that she lives with me I don’t like her to go to work because she has to look after our two babies that I gave to her. She loves to look after our babies and likes to help the nanny when she does feeding and dressing them.

It was in a nightclub that we met and I was just there having a beer and talking about the football that we do to my team mates that I do football with. I saw this boss girl stood at the bar and she looked at me and I think she recognised me because she came up to me and said that she recognised me and that she’d seen me before and she liked it when I scored a goal and that. It was love at first sight and I told her that she was the bossest looking girl in the club and that I’d like to take her out for a drink and she said that she was already out and that I should get her a drink and she wanted a Pernod and lemonade and I got her one and she drunk it and asked us for another.

When we went out for a date I thought that I’d pick her up in my bossest car so I chose my red one(because I know that girls like red and that) because it’s like pink but not as pink as pink is. She said she liked my car and that we should go to Illusions club and we could dance and that. I’m not that good at dancing but she is and she said that she wanted to go and do a dance, so she went and did a dead, dead sexy dance for me and I stayed and looked after her drinks while she did her dead, dead sexy dance.

When I went to training the next day all the lads were ribbing me saying that she was now me bird and that. Gaffer didn’t say anything apart from run up that hill and stick that ball in the back of the net. I love putting the ball in the back of the net, so I put the ball in the back of the net.

She decided that we were going to live together the next week so she moved her bag into my flat. I used to live in a flat. I don’t know why it was called a flat because it’s up some stairs or a lift. You just got in the lift and pressed the number 5 and then it took you to my flat. The lift was broke though, because even though I lived in a flat that wasn’t number 5 I still had to press number 5 in the lift. I don’t live in a flat any more, because I live in a house. Roxy chose it. I’m not very good at that kind of thing. I just like to concentrate on me football.

My Spare Time

A lot of people ask me what I do in my spare time and what I do when I’m not playing football, which is what I do because I’m a footballer. They say “What do you do in your spare time when you’re not playing football, which is what you do because you’re a footballer?”

I say to them “In my spare time when I’m not playing football I like to do PlayStation”. I tell them that I especially like to do football PlayStation because that’s what I do, because I’m a footballer. I like to be me when I’m doing football PlayStation so that I can play how I play when I’m playing real football in my life.

I also like to go out for nice meals at a boss restaurant near where I live in my house. The best meal that I like to eat in my mouth is steak and chips, which is boss. Gaffer, at work, tells me that I’m not allowed to eat steak and chips because it’s full of chips which are bad for me. He has made an Italian man from abroad come into the club when we’re training and make us eat pasta. I don’t like pasta though, I only like pizza and spaghetti Bolognese.

Roxy doesn’t do cooking when we’re at home and having something to eat at home. She says that she can’t open the plastic wrappers and work the microwave because she’s got long nails and they get in the way. She makes me ring up a man and I tell him that I want a pizza and he brings me pizza to the house and I pay him and then I eat the pizza. Sometimes I ring the phone and ask for a meal from Indian and a man brings me a meal from Indian. I don’t think Indian’s very far away because he brings it very quickly. My favourite meal from Indian is steak and chips. Roxy always has something called a chicken and a karma and a rice and she eats it.

It’s difficult to go out for boss meals when I’m not having a dinner at my house. Lots of people on mopeds follow us about and take photographs of us doing things. They take photos of us getting into cars and getting into cars and driving in cars. Roxy doesn’t like it when the men on mopeds with cameras take photos of us. She sticks two or one fingers up at them and then they are put in the newspapers and call her a wag. She isn’t a wag though because she’s only been with 1 other blokes before me and that was when she was at school. Sometimes she tells the men on mopeds with cameras where she’s going and then she can get dressed up or dolled up or something.

When we get married she says that she’s going to tell the men on mopeds with cameras to come to our wedding and take our photos and pay us some money and then we’ll be in a magazine. She says that she’s going to wear a pink frock and Chantelle and Paris are going to wear smaller pink frocks. I’m going to wear a boss white Boss suit. My best mate Digsy is going to be my best man and say a speech that he’s thought up in his brain and written on paper. The role of the best man is to get off with the bridesmaid and get drunk. I’m getting married in the summer because then gaffer won’t tell me off if I have too many drinks.

Digsy is also a footballer but not at the club where I play football. He plays at another club and he plays midfielder. Being a midfielder means that you play football in the middle of the football pitch. Sometimes you score a lot of goals but most times you just do tackles and get stuck in. A midfielder should give the ball to me because I’m a striker and strikers have to strike the ball and put it in the back of the net and score a goal. Scoring a goal is better than doing sex on Roxy but I won’t tell her because she won’t let me do sex on her again.

Training Starts Again

This week the gaffer has said to us that we all need to do training because we have got fatter during the summer. I don't like training but I do like the summer.

Summer is great because it's when the sun comes out in the morning and goes away at night. I often wonder where the sun goes to when it's not in the sky. My Roxy tells me I'm daft for thinking things like that and she says that the sun turns into the moon. I don't know if I believe her but she was right when she said that money doesn't grow on trees. I don't know where money does grow. Perhaps Roxy knows. Maybe the computer can tell me if I ask it.

For this summer we went on holidays and our holidays was to a place called abroad. I said to my Roxy 'Roxy, where are we going on our holidays this year?' and she said to me 'David, we are going abroad again.'

I like going to abroad but it seems that we go to a different part every time as it's different in the way it looks and in the clothes you have to take. Sometimes they speak in Spanish and sometimes it's Mexican. I don't understand either of those two languages but I can speak American. The way I learnt American was watching lots of American films and I just picked it up. One day I hope to visit American. Perhaps when I don't play football any more I can go and play football in American like David Beckham. Him and his wife now live in American and play for a France team called La Galaxy.

My Roxy says that she would love to live in American and maybe become friends with Tom Cruise and that. I like Tom Cruise and think he's boss because he's had a lot of different jobs . He used to be a pilot and he's also been a secret agent. The best job he had was when he was an agent for an American footballer. He wasn't called Tom Cruise then. He was called Jerry Maguire. Maybe he changed his name to hide from the baddies that were chasing him when he was a spy?

I've only had one job and that's Premiership footballer. I would like to try another job sometime though. Maybe I could try to be a Championship footballer.

Anyway I had better go because the gaffer will be angry if I'm late for training. When people are late for training he gives them the 'hairdryer treatment'. I don't need the 'hairdryer treatment' because I normally just whack a load of lacquer on my hair or cut it short. My Roxy says that she likes my hair short because I don't use her hair lacquer to do my hair. She puts a lot of hair lacquer in her hair so that it doesn't look a mess when she visits the hairdressers. She goes to the hairdressers every day to get her hair done.

Hopefully she'll have it done for when I've done training so we can play Playstation this afternoon.

This is My Dream

Hello, my name is David Preston and I'm a Premiership footballer. I've always wanted to be a Premiership footballer, apart from when it was the 1st Division and it wasn't the Premiership. In them days I wanted to be a 1st Division footballer.

When I was a young boy in my home town of Liverpool in my growing up years in my home I was never any good at school. I wasn't interested in anything apart from playing football, apart from watching telly. My ideal day would involve playing football and then watching football on the telly.

My dad always said to me "David, you'll never need any of that school shite. You won't need jograffy or histry or sums or that. All you'll need to know is where to stick the ball in the back of the net and that's in the back of the net."

I left school with no qualifications, but I didn't care because I knew how to play football and my dad had bought us a new telly. I went straight to play football for me local team where I played football all day, apart from when the gaffer told us to run up loads of hills or clean some boots.

I didn't like cleaning boots. I don't like cleaning much really. My girlfriend Roxy does all that for me and stuff. She doesn't work at work because she hasn't got a job. She works at home though, where she cleans and cooks and stuff, apart from the days when the cleaner comes in. The cleaner comes in on Mondays to Fridays. At the weekend her mam comes round to the house to give her a hand with the kids and a bit of cleaning.

This is my introduction to being a footballer and I hope I can give you an insight into what it's like being a footballer, which is what I am.