On Tour With The Team

Today at work, gaffer came into the changing room after we'd done training and done changing and told me and the lads from my team that we should have packed already and that we had to get on the team bus because we were going on tour. He had told us last week that next week we were going on tour. It was now this week so I had packed my bags ready to go on tour this week.

I like to go on tour because gaffer always picks teams from different places for us to play football. I don't like going on tour sometimes because it means that I have to sleep in a room that isn't mine. That means that I can't watch my 80 inch plasma telly that I've got in my room next to my pinball machine, my pool table and my 70 inch LCD telly. I like watching plasma telly because all the things are shown in plasma. Plasma is boss because everything on plasma is loads bigger than LCD. In the hotel rooms, they still have telly but it's not plasma telly. It's usually Ferguson or Tatung.

When we go on tour it means that Roxy and the girls aren't there. Roxy is dead good in the morning because she goes downstairs, puts the kettle on and asks the cleaner to make me a mug of orange juice.

This year we are going to abroad on tour to play a team that isn't easy to say. They speak a different abroad language there called 'The Lingo'. A couple of the lads said that they can speak 'The Lingo', but I can't. Sometimes different languages are easy to do. You just have to speak them slower than your at home language, as well as a bit louder.

Normally the teams that we play are rubbisher than we are and we stick more balls in the back of the net than I can count on one hands. I like to weigh in with a couple too, so that gaffer's made up with me.

Hopefully they'll have computers in the part of the abroad that we're going to so that I can tell you how I'm getting on with 'The Lingo'. I'll ring Roxy from my dead boss mobile phone and speak to my girls and read them a story with my free minutes. I love free minutes because it's time that doesn't happen in the world. When you get your bill it just says 'free time' and I think in my brain that I should do another thing at the same time as I'm talking to one of my mates or Roxy or the girls, so that I make the most of it. Most of the time I'm just watching my plasma telly.

See you when I get back.

Football on the Telly

Because the football season, which is when I play my football, isn't on at the moment, I've been watching football from countries where it is football season, which is when they play their football. A place that it is their football season, and they're playing their football, is American.

It's boss over there because it's always sunny and the sun shines and that. The other day I watched David Beckham and his France team, La Galaxy, playing their football and get stuck in and that.

David Beckham's like this dead, dead famous footballer who plays his football and gets stuck in and does some boss crosses and gets on the end of it and uses the space. I'd like him to get some balls into the danger zone for me and then I could strike the ball and stick it in the back of the net and maybe get a hat-trick and that. I love getting hat-tricks because it means I can keep the ball and use it in my back garden and play football when it's not the football season.

He's being paid loads of money for playing for his France team and he's getting loads of dollars. Dollars is like English money, only you can use it to buy things in American, like trainers, game boys, a big plasma telly and trainers. I love trainers me. When I'm not playing football and wearing football boots and sticking it in the back of the net I always where trainers, apart from when I wear me suits and Roxy tells me I look a div with them on and makes me where shoes. I don't like wearing shoes because I'm not very good at kick ups with them on.

David Beckham's team lost one-nil, which means the other team stuck the ball in the back of the net and they didn't. The other team was Chelsea and they used to be champions of Premier League, until they got beat. Their manager was well not happy and said that he wasn't happy and that.

This season gaffer said that we should be challenging up for it or he'd bring in some new signings and some new players. That's why we do training, so that we can be up for it and qualify for Europe and play loads of abroad teams.

I hope training ends soon because I don't like running up hills.

How I Met Roxy

Being a famous footballer and playing football means that sometimes when I go out you get lots of women all the time that like you because you’re a famous footballer.

I met Roxy like this, but she told me that she doesn’t like me because I’m a famous footballer. She says that she loves being married to a rich footballer but she hasn’t changed as a person since she was a beautician. She used to work as a beautician in a beauticians near to where I live at my house. She used to like doing people’s nails and doing waxing them in their bikinis. Now that she lives with me I don’t like her to go to work because she has to look after our two babies that I gave to her. She loves to look after our babies and likes to help the nanny when she does feeding and dressing them.

It was in a nightclub that we met and I was just there having a beer and talking about the football that we do to my team mates that I do football with. I saw this boss girl stood at the bar and she looked at me and I think she recognised me because she came up to me and said that she recognised me and that she’d seen me before and she liked it when I scored a goal and that. It was love at first sight and I told her that she was the bossest looking girl in the club and that I’d like to take her out for a drink and she said that she was already out and that I should get her a drink and she wanted a Pernod and lemonade and I got her one and she drunk it and asked us for another.

When we went out for a date I thought that I’d pick her up in my bossest car so I chose my red one(because I know that girls like red and that) because it’s like pink but not as pink as pink is. She said she liked my car and that we should go to Illusions club and we could dance and that. I’m not that good at dancing but she is and she said that she wanted to go and do a dance, so she went and did a dead, dead sexy dance for me and I stayed and looked after her drinks while she did her dead, dead sexy dance.

When I went to training the next day all the lads were ribbing me saying that she was now me bird and that. Gaffer didn’t say anything apart from run up that hill and stick that ball in the back of the net. I love putting the ball in the back of the net, so I put the ball in the back of the net.

She decided that we were going to live together the next week so she moved her bag into my flat. I used to live in a flat. I don’t know why it was called a flat because it’s up some stairs or a lift. You just got in the lift and pressed the number 5 and then it took you to my flat. The lift was broke though, because even though I lived in a flat that wasn’t number 5 I still had to press number 5 in the lift. I don’t live in a flat any more, because I live in a house. Roxy chose it. I’m not very good at that kind of thing. I just like to concentrate on me football.

My Spare Time

A lot of people ask me what I do in my spare time and what I do when I’m not playing football, which is what I do because I’m a footballer. They say “What do you do in your spare time when you’re not playing football, which is what you do because you’re a footballer?”

I say to them “In my spare time when I’m not playing football I like to do PlayStation”. I tell them that I especially like to do football PlayStation because that’s what I do, because I’m a footballer. I like to be me when I’m doing football PlayStation so that I can play how I play when I’m playing real football in my life.

I also like to go out for nice meals at a boss restaurant near where I live in my house. The best meal that I like to eat in my mouth is steak and chips, which is boss. Gaffer, at work, tells me that I’m not allowed to eat steak and chips because it’s full of chips which are bad for me. He has made an Italian man from abroad come into the club when we’re training and make us eat pasta. I don’t like pasta though, I only like pizza and spaghetti Bolognese.

Roxy doesn’t do cooking when we’re at home and having something to eat at home. She says that she can’t open the plastic wrappers and work the microwave because she’s got long nails and they get in the way. She makes me ring up a man and I tell him that I want a pizza and he brings me pizza to the house and I pay him and then I eat the pizza. Sometimes I ring the phone and ask for a meal from Indian and a man brings me a meal from Indian. I don’t think Indian’s very far away because he brings it very quickly. My favourite meal from Indian is steak and chips. Roxy always has something called a chicken and a karma and a rice and she eats it.

It’s difficult to go out for boss meals when I’m not having a dinner at my house. Lots of people on mopeds follow us about and take photographs of us doing things. They take photos of us getting into cars and getting into cars and driving in cars. Roxy doesn’t like it when the men on mopeds with cameras take photos of us. She sticks two or one fingers up at them and then they are put in the newspapers and call her a wag. She isn’t a wag though because she’s only been with 1 other blokes before me and that was when she was at school. Sometimes she tells the men on mopeds with cameras where she’s going and then she can get dressed up or dolled up or something.

When we get married she says that she’s going to tell the men on mopeds with cameras to come to our wedding and take our photos and pay us some money and then we’ll be in a magazine. She says that she’s going to wear a pink frock and Chantelle and Paris are going to wear smaller pink frocks. I’m going to wear a boss white Boss suit. My best mate Digsy is going to be my best man and say a speech that he’s thought up in his brain and written on paper. The role of the best man is to get off with the bridesmaid and get drunk. I’m getting married in the summer because then gaffer won’t tell me off if I have too many drinks.

Digsy is also a footballer but not at the club where I play football. He plays at another club and he plays midfielder. Being a midfielder means that you play football in the middle of the football pitch. Sometimes you score a lot of goals but most times you just do tackles and get stuck in. A midfielder should give the ball to me because I’m a striker and strikers have to strike the ball and put it in the back of the net and score a goal. Scoring a goal is better than doing sex on Roxy but I won’t tell her because she won’t let me do sex on her again.

Training Starts Again

This week the gaffer has said to us that we all need to do training because we have got fatter during the summer. I don't like training but I do like the summer.

Summer is great because it's when the sun comes out in the morning and goes away at night. I often wonder where the sun goes to when it's not in the sky. My Roxy tells me I'm daft for thinking things like that and she says that the sun turns into the moon. I don't know if I believe her but she was right when she said that money doesn't grow on trees. I don't know where money does grow. Perhaps Roxy knows. Maybe the computer can tell me if I ask it.

For this summer we went on holidays and our holidays was to a place called abroad. I said to my Roxy 'Roxy, where are we going on our holidays this year?' and she said to me 'David, we are going abroad again.'

I like going to abroad but it seems that we go to a different part every time as it's different in the way it looks and in the clothes you have to take. Sometimes they speak in Spanish and sometimes it's Mexican. I don't understand either of those two languages but I can speak American. The way I learnt American was watching lots of American films and I just picked it up. One day I hope to visit American. Perhaps when I don't play football any more I can go and play football in American like David Beckham. Him and his wife now live in American and play for a France team called La Galaxy.

My Roxy says that she would love to live in American and maybe become friends with Tom Cruise and that. I like Tom Cruise and think he's boss because he's had a lot of different jobs . He used to be a pilot and he's also been a secret agent. The best job he had was when he was an agent for an American footballer. He wasn't called Tom Cruise then. He was called Jerry Maguire. Maybe he changed his name to hide from the baddies that were chasing him when he was a spy?

I've only had one job and that's Premiership footballer. I would like to try another job sometime though. Maybe I could try to be a Championship footballer.

Anyway I had better go because the gaffer will be angry if I'm late for training. When people are late for training he gives them the 'hairdryer treatment'. I don't need the 'hairdryer treatment' because I normally just whack a load of lacquer on my hair or cut it short. My Roxy says that she likes my hair short because I don't use her hair lacquer to do my hair. She puts a lot of hair lacquer in her hair so that it doesn't look a mess when she visits the hairdressers. She goes to the hairdressers every day to get her hair done.

Hopefully she'll have it done for when I've done training so we can play Playstation this afternoon.

This is My Dream

Hello, my name is David Preston and I'm a Premiership footballer. I've always wanted to be a Premiership footballer, apart from when it was the 1st Division and it wasn't the Premiership. In them days I wanted to be a 1st Division footballer.

When I was a young boy in my home town of Liverpool in my growing up years in my home I was never any good at school. I wasn't interested in anything apart from playing football, apart from watching telly. My ideal day would involve playing football and then watching football on the telly.

My dad always said to me "David, you'll never need any of that school shite. You won't need jograffy or histry or sums or that. All you'll need to know is where to stick the ball in the back of the net and that's in the back of the net."

I left school with no qualifications, but I didn't care because I knew how to play football and my dad had bought us a new telly. I went straight to play football for me local team where I played football all day, apart from when the gaffer told us to run up loads of hills or clean some boots.

I didn't like cleaning boots. I don't like cleaning much really. My girlfriend Roxy does all that for me and stuff. She doesn't work at work because she hasn't got a job. She works at home though, where she cleans and cooks and stuff, apart from the days when the cleaner comes in. The cleaner comes in on Mondays to Fridays. At the weekend her mam comes round to the house to give her a hand with the kids and a bit of cleaning.

This is my introduction to being a footballer and I hope I can give you an insight into what it's like being a footballer, which is what I am.